Sunday, June 9, 2013

real at your own risk

Hard to believe how easy it is to slack on blogging! I really wanted to use this to document Julianna's life and milestones....but then again life happened and blogging didn't. So tonight as I am feeling extra emotional and need to write I am pumping so I can justify sitting still and writing to clear my heard.
Baby J update:
7 1/2 months old 18 pounds wearing 6-9month clothes mainly 9
Paper towels and looking at her reflection in the mirror

Teething! being put in the car seat

Anything that goes in her mouth and her jumper

Rolls all over the place both sides, babbles and can push off her feet to crawling position

I miss my mom. It has been 6 months since I lost her to lung cancer and today was the day when it came to a strong realization how hard it is without your mom. I realize I am incredibly blessed with a rock star mother in law and wouldn't trade her for anything, but there are some days when I go to pick up the phone to call mom and want to talk about Julianna, work or life in general only to have to hang up the phone without that affirmation that it is all going to be ok. I think it is like a mom code or something programed in to their DNA where they just know when you are hurting and try to help better the situation. Today would have been that day for me.

I knew it was going to be a rough day since J was sooo exhausted from Kaylee's wedding Friday night. She woke up and was in a decent mood until right before swim lessons when she had a complete meltdown and proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs for the entire ride to the gym and then even still as I unbuckled her and (all the while the snotty blond in the bmw next to me is staring at me like I am the worst mother ever- more on this later) proceeded to the gym.  She locked it up for about 20 minutes of the lesson, and then chose to breakdown.  Yep, I am the mom with the screaming kid that everyone looks and I silently chanting take her out of here!

Since her tooth broke through I thought that may be the reason for the constant state of tears so I promptly headed to Walmart. Turns out that Tylenol wires my daughter like a crack addict and she was a hot mess for the remainder of the day. which leads me to why I could really use my mom on a day like today. When she is sooo fussy and I really don't know what to do to calm her down or make it better.

confession: I have a really hard time when J cries. I know, I know everyone does, but mine is a mixture of concern and panic. Where if it last more than a few minutes I know people are like seriously lady, handle you kid!  I then know they are judging me and totally critiquing everything I do wrong. I think I feel this way because I try SO SO hard to have it all under control and taken care of that when she flips out like that people look at me like I don't have my stuff together. Again, this would be the time I could call my mom and vent about all the tings I am dealing with and have her there to make me feel better about the whole situation and reassure me that I am doing a good job. Positive affirmations never hurt anyone.

I also realize how much I didn't know about my milestones. I have no clue when I crawled, walked to talked. I do know though that I am constantly worried about where J is and where she is supposed to be. I think most of this is Kelly and he is constantly asking when she is supposed to be doing what which then leads to more stress because it always fall back on me and if I missed something.

Please know I love being a mom and wouldn't trade it for anything, but when you become a mom it sure makes you realize what yours did and how big of a load they carried.

Next up: FEAR..


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