Friday, June 14, 2013

no more needles

WOW... It has been some week.

Julianna Update:
8 months next week
one tooth has broken the skin
19 pounds

A couple of months ago Julianna started doing this cute thing where she pulled at her clothes, particularly the tummy. We just thought, how cute she doesn't like clothes. 
After it continued and she began to scratch her neck and the scratches were much more frequent that we decided to ask the Dr. about it. He suggested we get her allergy tested.

Tuesday morning we had an appointment at Heldberg Allergy center for J to get her tests. if you are wondering. If you have never had it done it is a very painful experience watching your child be poked and cry out in pain only to be unable to stop the pain. I told Julie (MIL) that I am so thankful that God has blessed us with a relatively healthy baby.  I need to pray more for parents and families that are struck with illnesses that are threatening the lives of their child.

Anyway, the office was very nice and extremely helpful with everything. Even when they stuck her they were so apologetic. They did 3 "panels" on Julianna's back, one for food related, one for animal, and one for outdoor items, each containing 8 items that could cause a reaction.

I think one of the worst parts was they had her face me as they pressed the needles in to her back. Oh, my goodness! They sweet little face with those big tears are enough to break my heart. I am telling you, if she could have talked I would have bought her whatever she wanted.

After review the test, they confirmed she has a pretty significant case of eczema and that is the reason for the red splotchy skin and her itching. When they reviewed the reaction it said mainly eggs and milk. They Dr. told me to cut down my dairy intake, the problem is... I don't eat a lot. We drink almond milk, I don't eat eggs unless they are cooked in something. They did find it interesting that she showed a reaction to the control test, which made them wonder if it was due to the eczema.
This led to a recommendation of a blood test to confirm what, if any, she is allergic to.

Wednesday was the blood test. They first tried her arm. After another loud scream and two sticks they couldn't find her vein. Next up they tried the ankle, where they only got one of the 10 cc's they needed. While she was screaming I noticed the nurse scoping out my babies head... I knew they were going for her head next. Poor Julie, this whole time she is crying and trying not to pass out at the sight of blood.
The nurse then told me the would have to strap her down and this really was the only option since J is so, "well Loved"- read: Chubby, that the couldn't find a good vein. I wanted to stay with her, but they told me I had to sit on the bench on the other side of the room, but couldn't hold her hand. At this point the other nurse told us we should probably go to the waiting room. I made the decision to leave, due to the fact that couldn't even touch her and all I could do in there was watch her suffer. It was really hard to go out to the waiting room and listen to her cry, but even more traumatic when they brought her out and she gave me a sad lip with the, can't catch my breath because I have been crying so hard whimper.

Now we wait...ten whole days to get the results.

On a much brighter note they gave us a prescription for lotion for J's skin and after 2 days I can see a huge difference. This is what they mean when they say baby soft!


Sunday, June 9, 2013

real at your own risk

Hard to believe how easy it is to slack on blogging! I really wanted to use this to document Julianna's life and milestones....but then again life happened and blogging didn't. So tonight as I am feeling extra emotional and need to write I am pumping so I can justify sitting still and writing to clear my heard.
Baby J update:
7 1/2 months old 18 pounds wearing 6-9month clothes mainly 9
Paper towels and looking at her reflection in the mirror

Teething! being put in the car seat

Anything that goes in her mouth and her jumper

Rolls all over the place both sides, babbles and can push off her feet to crawling position

I miss my mom. It has been 6 months since I lost her to lung cancer and today was the day when it came to a strong realization how hard it is without your mom. I realize I am incredibly blessed with a rock star mother in law and wouldn't trade her for anything, but there are some days when I go to pick up the phone to call mom and want to talk about Julianna, work or life in general only to have to hang up the phone without that affirmation that it is all going to be ok. I think it is like a mom code or something programed in to their DNA where they just know when you are hurting and try to help better the situation. Today would have been that day for me.

I knew it was going to be a rough day since J was sooo exhausted from Kaylee's wedding Friday night. She woke up and was in a decent mood until right before swim lessons when she had a complete meltdown and proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs for the entire ride to the gym and then even still as I unbuckled her and (all the while the snotty blond in the bmw next to me is staring at me like I am the worst mother ever- more on this later) proceeded to the gym.  She locked it up for about 20 minutes of the lesson, and then chose to breakdown.  Yep, I am the mom with the screaming kid that everyone looks and I silently chanting take her out of here!

Since her tooth broke through I thought that may be the reason for the constant state of tears so I promptly headed to Walmart. Turns out that Tylenol wires my daughter like a crack addict and she was a hot mess for the remainder of the day. which leads me to why I could really use my mom on a day like today. When she is sooo fussy and I really don't know what to do to calm her down or make it better.

confession: I have a really hard time when J cries. I know, I know everyone does, but mine is a mixture of concern and panic. Where if it last more than a few minutes I know people are like seriously lady, handle you kid!  I then know they are judging me and totally critiquing everything I do wrong. I think I feel this way because I try SO SO hard to have it all under control and taken care of that when she flips out like that people look at me like I don't have my stuff together. Again, this would be the time I could call my mom and vent about all the tings I am dealing with and have her there to make me feel better about the whole situation and reassure me that I am doing a good job. Positive affirmations never hurt anyone.

I also realize how much I didn't know about my milestones. I have no clue when I crawled, walked to talked. I do know though that I am constantly worried about where J is and where she is supposed to be. I think most of this is Kelly and he is constantly asking when she is supposed to be doing what which then leads to more stress because it always fall back on me and if I missed something.

Please know I love being a mom and wouldn't trade it for anything, but when you become a mom it sure makes you realize what yours did and how big of a load they carried.

Next up: FEAR..


Sunday, March 3, 2013

Busy bessy...

Wow nothing like a whirlwind of a weekend.. We sold our house had an inspection and are supposed to have a closing on march 15th. Yay! Yay to blessings! But holy cow to getting my house packed up and ready to move in a week. Did I mentinon we have a 4 month old? Oh wait did I mention Kelly had the stomach flu today with a 101 fever. Again, I can't complain because we sold our house in 4 days, but since we  wernt really planning on this all happening so fast!

Well it seems that I cause quite a bit of buzz with my honest blog! So I guess I will keep on keeping on since none of you have de-friended me or egged my house.
I still feel like a hot mess when it comes to motherhood. Just when I think I have it figured out J throws me a curve ball. I had lunch with some fabulous ladies yesterday and Tammy asked me if I didn’t just long to stay home.  Get out your judging hat, because GASP, I don’t! Motherhood is hard work... and if I am being honest it is WAY harder than working for Walmart/Sam’s. With work I know exactly what to do. While yes, there are some variables that I can’t always account for, I still know most of the time what I am doing and if I don’t there is always life lines I can use to get me to the right answer. If you know me, you know that I like to be in control…and I like to know exactly how things are going to go, which is why I love me job that allows me to check things off my list and make sure they are done to my liking. Motherhood is a whole different ball game and I feel like it is a learn as you go game that is always changing the rules. I love Julianna with every single fiber of my being and would not trade being a mom for anything, but when she was 6 weeks old and inconsolable I won’t lie, I wanted to go back to work just to be able to say that I knew what I was doing.
Now at 4 months I finally feel like I am getting a handle on things. I love that it is an adventure, but it has taken me a bit to learn to roll with the punches.
With all of this, I will say there are a few things I can say I did pretty well. One of those was feeding. Julianna has always eaten like and champ and never had an issue which I know is a huge blessing.
When I first talked to the lactation consultant she mentioned that the first few minutes of feeding is just to “quench the thirst,” and then comes the good fatty milk. So I have always nursed her completely on one side. I never did 5 min on right and then 5 on left. I would do right for the 9 amfeeding, left for the left..etc.
We introduced the paci at 3 weeks and she wanted nothing to do with it. That is until my friend Kathryn Ann saved my sanity and told me about MAM paci’s. She loved it and never looked back.
We did the first bottle at 4 weeks. When my good friend Ali had her son she told me that she would recommend starting to pump a while before you go back to work. I wanted to be able to have some stored up for the first bottle, so I pumped once in the am. If she ate right I would pump left. If you are wondering, yes this is challenging trying to hold her while you pump, but trust me… it will be worth it in the end.
I say this not to brag about my milk cow status, but just to tell you how well it worked. I have 2 freezers full of milk. When I say full, I mean so full I can’t buy ice cream because it won’t fit. Now that I am back at work our routine has changed, but right now I pump at 6- 10 oz total- place in freezer bags and freeze. When I get to work I pump 2 times a day and fill up 5 bottles for the next day (8, 11, 2, & 5 with the extra for the10pm feeding each bottle is about 5oz). At the 8 pm feeding I feed her. I then pump again before I go to bed. Again, I say all of this to let you know how well this worked for us. I have never had to take a supplement and I am now slowly trying to space out my pumping so I can slow down my production.
Another thing I used thanks again to  Kathryn Ann was the pump bra so  you can be hands free.. AHMAZING! Get one.
We also did baby wise. This seemed to work for us. From about birth I got her on the every 3 hours schedule to eat. I never once let her sleep through a feeding. If it had been 3 hours and she was still asleep I would change her diaper to get her good and awake and then feed her. This really helped us get through the nights too. Her standard schedule was 6am9am,12pm,3pm,6pm9pm,12am3am Around the 8 week mark she stopped waking up for the 3 am feeding. And by the 10 week mark we had moved the 12am back to 11pmand the 6am to 7am. As I wrote in my last post, she now goes to bed at 9 in her crib, last few nights I dream feed (she is pretty much asleep while feeding) at 1015 and she sleeps all the way until 715 when we take her to the “nanny” where she eats at 8 and we start the every 3 hour feeding. We also follow baby wise where we keep her up for 1.5 hours after the feeding. Here is our typical day:
wake up (turn off sound machine) go in car seat and get dropped off with Juju
8am Feeding and play until 915 ish
nap time
11am feeding and play until 1230
Nap time
2pm-330pm feeding and play time
Nap time
5pm feeding
6pm Kelly or I pick her up and take her home
We put her in her chair and talk to her about her day while we make dinner. Usually by 7pm she is rubbing her eyes and falls asleep in her rock and play.
This is when I go wash my face, brush my teeth and get ready for the next day.
8pm I wake her up to feed her
Change her and read her a couple of books while we rock.
9pm swaddle her with one arm out since we are weaning off the swaddle.
915 put her in the crib start the noise machine
1015 feed her and go to bed.


Monday, February 25, 2013

mommy judging and other messes

Are y'all ready for some honest blogging? Maybe it is the lack of sleep I have been getting.. or maybe it is the stress I am feeling, but I am about get real up in here...

I am a mommy judger. Don't act like you aren't one too...
I noticed it a few weeks ago when I was in a group of people and a fellow mom's kid was uber fussy and she wasn't able to calm them down. She continued to try to stay engaged in the convo while her child wailed... and wailed... My first thought was, "if it was Julianna, I would have done X"

From that day on I began to noticed I did it all the time... "If it was Julianna, I would have done..." This has now caused me to be super concerned about all things Julianna. I can only assume that other moms do the same thing. Constantly comparing their child to the other moms they are around... Now don't get me wrong I don't sit with a pad and judge what I think are other mothers short comings..I also compare how well they are doing in comparison to us. My sweet friend Jess had Maddox about 5 days before Julianna and I was so jealous when she told me he was sleeping through the night at about 10 weeks... I almost went over to her house and threw rocks at the window out of spite so she could have a few sleepless nights. I then started pumping all the other mothers I knew for information to compare where we were on this sleeping game. I even went so far as to get a scoreboard and keep score of all the milestones. Kidding... sort of. What is it about motherhood that makes women crazy? I see women post on FB about their son rolling over and then immediately put J on her stomach and try to coach her to roll over too.

Which brings me to a whole other story. A few weeks ago I was playing with J and she just rolled her self right over. I screamed for Kelly, but in turn got a half hearted, "great."
"GREAT? Our daughter just rolled over and all you have is great?"
Kelly- "Babe she rolled over a couple weeks ago with mom, but I didn't to tell you."
I like any rational level headed women immediately started bawling that I missed it.

As I mentioned, I am lacking in the sleep area. When J was little we slept her in the bouncy seat. With her reflux I just felt more comfortable. Around month 2 1/2 she started sleeping most of the night all the way through. I would put her in the seat at 9, dream feed at 1030 and she would sleep until 7.  Well we realized she couldn't sleep in the seat forever so I began the transition in to the crib. The first 2 nights were rough. by night 3 she slept all the way through with out so much as a peep. This lasted about 4 days, until my dad cursed me.
From last Thursday until now she has woken up at least once. Thankfully it is a quick cry out and maybe a replacing of the paci, but still I am up. Saturday though the Angel Care alarm went off and scared me to death. I ran in to her room so fast and all but shook her awake to make sure she was breathing. She was and I have no clue why the alarm went off, but she spent the rest of the night with us... judge if you must...

If judging and checking on Julianna wasn't tiring enough we have now decided to put our house on the market. If you were wondering how hard it is to have you house show ready at all times with a newborn I can tell you from experience it is hard! Babies have a whole lot of stuff and finding places for it can prove challenging.

Julianna has her 4 month check up tomorrow! I was so excited to start trying rice cereal, but Kelly really wants to wait a while longer. Fellow moms, what do you think? Should I wait until I can do some homemade baby food? I have heard the rice cereal helps with reflux, should I start now or wait?

I have an over night trip for work the week of the 16th. How in the world do people that work leave their kids? How can yo pump? Where do you put your milk? How can you stand to be away from you baby for a couple of days?
Clearly you tell by reading this.. I am a tired mess!


Saturday, February 9, 2013

Julianna Mae

Sooo... I know it has been a while,  but the colicky refluxy princess called Julianna has taken up a lot of time! Not to mention I am not back to work and attempting to juggle multiple things as well as trying to muddle through settling my moms affairs.

Now that Julianna is almost 4 months. I figure I might as well post her newborn pictures!

We did these for our Christmas cards
It is crazy to think that those ruffle butts are now snug on her sweet little legs!

I know everyone says it, but it really is so true. She is growing up so fast.
I saw her roll over for the first time today. Which made me realize even more how precious these moments are and how I am sad that my mom will miss this.

Julie my MIL has been watching Julianna and I am so blessed by that. I thank God everyday that we have her and my FIL to watch her.
I even get daily reports with how tummy time went and what was studied that day.

She was so TINY!

My little razorback is precious isn't she!

Katie Cole took Julianna's newborn pictures ans we loved her and them sooo much she is taking her Easter pictures too!
I wanted the whole newborn package for pictures every 3 months, but Kelly vetoed that one!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

precious pam

When I look back on the Christmas of 2012, I am sure it will be with the same bittersweet feelings that I have had this whole week.

No one is ever prepared to say good bye to someone that you love. No matter if it is a surprise or not, you are never ready for the pain you feel.

On July 6th 2012 I was returning home from a weekend trip with my sweet friend Allison. We had packed up and went to KC for a little fun. I remember being annoyed because I had tried calling and texting my mom over the course of the trip and she had yet to respond.
I had just thrown my stuff down and my aunt sent me a text telling me to call my uncle... random? That is when they told me that mom had been diagnosed with lung cancer.

I am not going through the entire 5 months of pain that my mom went through, but I am using the blog as my therapy of the things that I have learned.

It goes so fast. Sunday the 16th my mom was hospitalized at Mercy after a breathing episode. Kelly and I were told they weren't sure what was wrong with her, but were going to keep her overnight. Kelly asked em to call the oncologist on Monday and see if we could get more information on her condition. One thing about my mom throughout this whole ordeal she never accepted the diagnosis was terminal. She was always positive that she would beat it and be able to spend lots of time with Julianna.

Monday the Dr. came in and recommended that we stop the chemo treatment and mom go in to hospice care. He said that it wasn't an illness that caused her to have the problems breathing it was the cancer getting worse.
After he spoke to mom Kelly and I went out to talk about his recommendations. He told Kelly and I he would be surprised if she had more that a few months. This was not a complete shock, but was much more serious than I had thought. I was so thankful though that the Dr did give us that time frame, it helped me to realize she was sicker than she let on and that I needed to cherish everyday.

We got the call on Sunday morning, December 22nd. I was feeding Julianna and Kelly came in and asked how much longer I was going to be... I looked at him like he was crazy.. "Babe, I am done when she finishes."
He came back in about 5 minutes later and took her from me told me to sit down and started changing her diaper. That is when he told me that mom had passed away. I can't explain the emotions that came over me at this point or the emotions that continued to over take me throughout the next week.

I have learned so much through this process and I know if any good can come from losing some one you love it is that you are able to grow and reevaluate the way you look at things.

lesson number one- Plan
Dealing with all things funeral related as an only child is rough. Kelly and I decided that we will go ahead and get a will and our funeral arrangements taken care of so that Julianna won't have to do what I did. Picking out things and answering questions is tough when you are grieving.

Lesson number two- Just do it.
We were blessed with a great couple from church and a group from my work who just did it... I always tell people to please let me know if they need anything and I usually mean it, but lets be honest... does anyone ever really feel comfortable asking for anything? Since my mom was in the hospital the week leading up to Christmas and I have a fussy reflux plagued baby, getting to the store proved challenging. So when people just showed up with food I was SO thankful. I have decided that next time something like this happens I won't wait for someone to call me if they need something, I will just do it.

Lesson Three- support is critical
Dressing my 2 month old for visitation was a hard task and Kelly and I were so anxious about going and really just dreading the 2 hours. How could I have been so stupid to be nervous... It meant so much to have people there to show support and love for us. The same thing for the funeral. Every time someone that I knew came up I would start crying all over again. My co-workers from JB Hunt, Walmart and Sam's came to show support. Even people from the bank came to support Kelly. Friends from high school and several of our church friends showed up. It made me realize how important the relationships we have our. It made me so thankful for everyone that is in my life and also helped me to realize I need to be more like Barnabas the encourager and show more support for my friends and family. I now know the importance of having those people around you in times of trials and I will forever be grateful to everyone that showed their support. The hugs from you all helped make the day better.

Lesson four- too fast
Time goes to fast. I am 30 years old and have lost my mother. She was diagnosed in July and we said goodbye 5 month later. Time goes by so fast and this has helped me to also see how I need to make sure I am telling the people I love them and how important they are to me.