Saturday, March 3, 2012

working on me...

Blogging- it is what I use to do when I was bored at work... Don't judge me, we know there are 2 main types of dedicated bloggers: stay at home moms and people that are bored at work. Not to discount the outliers that come home and write a riveting blog after a long day at work, but I feel that most fall in to the two buckets listed above.
When I got my new job that all changed. I love my position but from the day I started it has pretty much been a hit the ground running type of role. So between work, my husband being in school for his MBA, volunteering for about 4 things and planning for Italy I gave up trying to fit it in.

When we got back from vacation we decided we would start talking about babies. Which to me the type A planner that meant we would promptly come back from vacation in November and I would be pregnant. I even stopped taking my pill in September to get everything out of my system.Turns out God has his own set of plans.

I even thought about all of the creative and fun ways I would tell my sweet husband, and every month I would have convinced myself we were going to have a baby.  I began to notice all of the other babies every where I went, everyone around me seemed to be expecting. to add more salt to the wound I even got asked to teach a class for the kids at church. Obviously they have no clue that we were trying or in better terms- I was obsessing about have kids and we didn't want it to become public knowledge just yet.

When I evaluate all of the blessings that I have in my life I realize that I am blessed beyond what I deserve and I by no means am I the only one who has had this struggle and mine hasn't been that long, but coupled with the constant worrier that I am I went straight to the worst.
Maybe I can't have kids
Maybe Kelly can't have kids
What if something is wrong with me
What if all of the things that I do has caused to much stress on my body
Am I too old? I am not in my 30's yet, but you hear all these crazy statistics.

My breakdown came in January.  Kelly and I went out for dinner for Valentines day and was we are sitting at the restaurant he looks across the table and says, "are you pregnant yet? I want a baby, I would love to have one right now."  This is big on sooo many levels. for the past 5 years of marriage Kelly has been adamate almost to the point of obnoxious about not wanting kids yet. For him to say something like that it was huge. He was completely unaware of what I had been going through- judge if you will, but I wasn't ready to tell him (nor My fabulous SIL) about what internally I was going through.  
January 26th I was a day late. I had even had a small case of flu like symptoms. I almost could not even focus I was so excited. Then the internal battle began of me trying to calm myself down and then to change the focus of my thoughts. When I woke up the morning of the 27th.. I couldn't take it anymore, I had to take a test. As I waited to proposed 3 minuted for the 2 vs 1 line I prayed for children. I kept thinking it has technically been 3 months- what's the deal?  When the test read one line as opposed to 2 I cried. I sat on the floor and cried. I truly thought I was having a baby and I wasn't mentally prepared for the negative.

I called Kaylee. Kaylee is my SIL and moved here last May after graduation and since that time we have joked that we are built in besties. Neither of us have ever had a sister and this was FABULOUS. I had a built in best Friend a mile away (she rents near our house)  and never had to worry about to much girl time since it was in fact my sister in law. I cried to her and told her how upset I was, and without all of the details she basically told me I put too much pressure on myself and we were no longer talking about babies.
Both of my parents knew about the flu and they were anxiously waiting for the call for me to tell them it wasn't something that would go away for 9 months. My dad called me first thing Friday morning to check on me (this normally happens) but today he got more that he bargained for. I lost it all over again. Bless his heart he wasn't sure what to say other than I love you baby girl and it will be ok.
Next up was my mom. Telling her was harder for the fact that she was so sweet and I just felt so fragile and out of control.

Around lunch time I received an email from Kasey a sweet girl my dad works with. The email consisted of Kasey telling me how she thought I was a Godly woman with all of my stuff together and how great she thought I was. Cue the tears again... I sat in my car and prayed- I prayed to let it go.
I realized after that 3 round of tears that I will have a baby when it is time and when it comes down to it the only thing that I can control is my stress.

For the past month that has been my focus, being the person that I need to be and giving up the "I have control" syndrome. I have started each day with the attitude of: Do the best you can, work through the things that you have control over, and let go of those you can't.

It is by no means easy and I still fixate on things and constantly work to "let it go" but I needed to work on making me the best person I can be with or without children.


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